Burton Moto

Coming from a recovering rage-aholic, there is one thing I know for sure: anger snowballs. It starts out small and seemingly insignificant, but starts to gain momentum until it blows up and flings toxic vile into the eyes of those who deserve it the least (wife, kids, etc.). In other words, getting mad at my anger only fuels the fire and makes things worse. So what do we do to control these spells?

A couple months ago I set my ego aside and signed up for marriage counseling. I didn’t know what to expect and have to admit that I was a little skeptical at first, but will power alone was not working so I was up for anything. Our first session was nothing short of powerful. Dr. Mike, I will call him, enlightened me on what he calls the principal of “Fear-Hurt-Anger.” Here it is in a nutshell:

Fear is the most motivating of emotions. It is hardwired – not learned – and is the basis for the Fight or Flight phenomenon. In the case of marriage the man usually will choose to fight as opposed to flight when their sense of self is threatened. When the self is threatened a person experiences hurt and fear. Instead of facing that fear it so much easier to cover it up with anger. So, anger is always fear in disguise…always!

At first it was hard to wrap my head around this fact. In the sessions that followed I brought up incidences in which I had become angry for one reason or another. Sure enough they were all related to a deep fear. Now I am able (most of the time) to recognize and name the fear before it turns into full blown anger. The only way to make this work is to be brutally honest with myself. And as long as I don’t get mad at my anger I react with calm.

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